Tale of love, grudge and forgiveness

Scene 1
(Background)
A flicker of light and eyes open wide, Saloni awoke with a startle on her face. What had just happened? Was I not there with my aunt? I clearly remember having fun and conversation with her. She smiled at me, didn’t see?
While such thoughts revolves in her head, she realised one thing for sure. It’s just not possible. After all a dead person never comes back alive.

Scene 2
Many years before…..
“Who do you like more? Bhabi or me?”, the recently betrothed brother asks the 10- year old Saloni. The tiny tot is confused choosing between her favourite brother and her first sister-in-law. Pondering a few moments over which shall be safe side, she replies -“Off course, it’s bhabi!” The otherwise typical question of “Do you love dad more or mom more” has now become a family gossip news with the little Saloni switching her favourite person. Knowing in her heart, she indeed loved her brother more but she didn’t want her bhabi to feel bad or awkward and thus the answer saved her from embarrassment. Now the elder brother having lost the round is eager to fix his place, quizzing further. “Do you really mean that, remember am not gonna show you Narnia again. You can ask your Bhabhi from now to fill your tantrums if you want.”

Scene 3
“Mumma! Maasi made pancakes for Sister P.” the little Saloni , with a sad face complains to her mumma.
“It’s okay baby, she will make and bring for you too. After all, she is your maasi, your second mumma.” Saloni’s mom replies. But the 12 year old didn’t want to share her aunt with anyone. Why should she? After all, she is related by blood to her aunty, while sister P. is not. The next day, the doorbell rings and hola! It’s pancakes from aunt. Saloni’s happiness knows no bounds.

Scene 4
Many years later,
Call rings. Text blinking- Mama calling. Saloni picks up the call” Hello!” Voice from the other side ” It’s dad speaking. Had to inform you something. It’s about Aunt. Wanna hear?” Saloni: “Offcourse not. She cut all ties from her side. Why would I even want to hear about her?” Her dad responds ” Its something important. You should know. Nothing matters anymore.” “What do you mean?” “She has passed away.” There is a pause. “What?? You are pulling my leg, aren’t you?” ” They say she suddenly had a heartattack in midst of a party and instantly passed away. Look here. Don’t think much. Those past things don’t matter anymore. Your mom just went to see the body. If you are comfortable, give your brother a call. He might feel better if his sister is with him in such a time.” “Forget it. He never once texted or even reply to his birthday wish. I am pretty sure it wouldn’t matter him anyway.” With this, the call disconnected. Later, she sent a text to her favourite brother sending her condolances and wishing strength to go through this period.
Saloni couldn’t believe her eyes. The yoga and reiki instructor, who does Surya namaskars and pranayaam everyday, has no medical history, who instructs others how to take care of their healths has suddenly disappeared off the face of earth. It was a moment where eternal truths felt lies.
But, there were no tears in Saloni’s eyes. She knew she always adored, admired her aunt still she felt emotionless at this news. She was neither angry or sad. It just felt karma playing it’s part well. And the proverb of what goes around comes around had a latest live example.

Scene 5
(Back to reality)
Saloni suddenly grasped the truth. So it was dream. “Now that’s how I wondered if it was true since it was impossible even in her lifetime.” Saloni thought to herself. Dreaming about her dead aunt, replaying scenes where she was loved so much, the overflowing care and affection the memories of which were lost in moments of indifferences regained. “I don’t know how to interprete the dream as? Is it what I should do, give forgiveness or is it what my inner self desires me to do as a human being and gentle person at heart. The old inner tussle and turmoil continues in heart. “
“It’s been too long I have been angry at her, isn’t?” Saloni thought to herself. “Maybe I should forgive her by now for her to rest in peace in heaven.” Saying thus, she had a smile on her face. All those scores of grudges finally had a outlet, just one last dream it took, to take courage to forgive.

Emotionless emotions !!

Do you know that feeling? When you actually belong to a cool place but still unsure if its the right place for you or if you really deserved to get to that place. You are surrounded by remarkable things and people and still feel empty. Things you loved so madly yesterday made no reason today and you feel like abandoning the whole lot baggage of emotions and memories as if it never belonged to you in the first place.

I first thought its due to my changed personality as an ambivert, liking to be alone sometimes, enjoying quietness, calmness and peaceful surroundings. But no, I like to befriend cool people, spend quality time with them, make everlasting memories with them.

In these two decades of my life, I have always believed-

we all possess those certain “random individuals” who will be on our side no matter what.

– Georgina Smith

Even when my mumma said “Baby, you are dreaming. Truth is harsher” and dad said “Nobody belongs to nobody. Its only our family that comes to have your back at the worst moment” But still I unbelieved them. I kept trying to prove myself right all these years and now perplexed and tired, I have finally withdrawn. I have learnt to accept things as they come in my way.

My current “random individuals” are my those eternal well-wishers whom I failed to give more than little attention. And my then “random individuals” have become no more than perfect strangers. I don’t know whether it was due to me or them but this has been the status quo since I have been trying to unwind, rewind, replay my past until I gave up after admitting that I lost.

But I have had several worst moments. My life has not been so easy like it has been for others. Partly due to circumstances, partly due to me, myself.  And in all these moments, several people have been my saviors. Many of my friends have helped unknowingly. And I have been thankful and grateful to each and everyone of them.  They have kept me sane and going and making me accept myself as I am. I love to think that I have a flexible bent of mind and this itself has caused so many transitions in me that I keep discovering myself more and more each passing day.

There’s this one thing I seek to possess always- constancy, permanency of people in my life. For that, I have sacrificed a lot (sometimes even myself, my self-worth, intellect, virtues, etc). And still this list keeps changing even to this date.

Sometimes I wonder if leaving all this emotional baggage would actually mean me running away from life’s problems but then, I could not live constantly worrying about same stuffs, same people, same past where I do not belong nor can I return nor am I treasured. And thus, I have given up hoping, worrying, being struck in that outdated past. And proudly exchanged it with a wonderful and an unpredictable present.

 ‘cause I believe if everyone deserves to be happy and be at peace, so do I.

– Georgina Smith

Now, here’s an honest confession- these days, I can no more feel about anything in particular except keeping myself busy to forget the doomed past. I have tried a lot of things to make this work and its finally working after all these years- making me forgetful, guilt-free and more peaceful. And I know there’s still a lot of way to walk to fully be free and just be happy as I am and I know I will keep walking!